Where am I supposed to get this wonderful thing called motivation from?
What does it feel like?
How will I know when it has arrived?
When I get it, it'll be so much easier! Right?
Pretty much since the beginning of this journey, I have worried that I've been lacking the necessary motivation to do the training. I was always active as a young person, but it wasn't a conscious thing. In fact I avoided organised exercise like the plague - I hated it.
Even last year, when I was training with Madam Lash - I loved it once I got there - but there wasn't this thing that I felt could be called 'motivation' I was just determined to be better than I was - is that what motivation really is? Determination with a different name? - and to be smaller when I got married. But motivated to go to training every week? That would be a No.
Every week without fail, Voice would pop in and start telling me that I didn't need to go, and would give me a list of excuses to try out on Madam Lash. I went regardless, because I knew that if I didn't, she would train me harder the next time, mostly because she was a wake up to my excuses!
Curses! Maybe I shouldn't have told her that I'd try that...
So motivation, or my lack thereof, has kept me up at night, it has made me sick to the stomach, it has made me feel inadequate, and it has made me feel like a failure.
It turns out that Voice has had more than a little bit to do with that also. As usual, the slightest chink in the armour and Voice is in like Flynn.
Voice & I have been so busy comparing me to everyone else on the program, posting about their exercise achievements in the forums or on Facebook and even on their blogs, that I forgot to compare myself to - well, myself.
You see not that long ago I wouldn't have thought twice about sitting down with a whole pizza, or a salad for one made with a whole tomato whole avocado & whole bag of lettuce, or a block of chocolate, or a bag of M&M's, or a big packet of chips, or a packet of bis... well you get the idea. I took the whole food approach - in that I ate the whole pack it came in. Madam Lash went a long way to changing that, but some bad habits are dying very very hard. I shudder to think how many calories I was consuming every day, but I wouldn't be surprised to find it was close to, or more than 5000.
Fast forward to today.
Since signing up for 12WBT, I've faced - and faced down - several triggers for emotional eating, and been out for tea twice (grilled fish both times), after which I had a small but lovely - high calorie dessert, but otherwise I haven't had chocolate, pizza, chips, bikkies, or a 'whole food' salad since joining up. I do have a macaron when I go for coffee, but that's the only snack I ever have, I've never been big on morning or afternoon tea. I'm eating what I think could be considered to be more normal sized portions, and most times now I leave something on my plate. Something simply unheard of before.
My point is, that if I compare myself today with myself from say 6 or 12 months ago, then I am a very different woman. I have made huge - no pun intended - changes to my diet, and my attitude to food, all in the space of a few weeks really. Take tonight's dinner for example. I made a garden salad. No biggy? Well, here are the before and after bowls. What I used to eat, and what I eat now...
So is the lack of motivation to exercise really such a bad thing when I'm fighting so hard to keep on track just with the food?
Does it mean that I've failed if I don't knock out a 5km run?
Or pound the machines at a gym for 45mins straight?
Or do SSS?
Some people would say yes.
Maybe for some people, not doing the exercise does equate to failure.
Yesterday, I would have agreed. What's the point of doing it, if I'm not going to do the exercise, right?
Wrong! I learned today, that for me, I have to take it slowly. I have to concentrate on one thing at a time. Because if I do try to do it all at once, I'll become overwhelmed and I will throw the towel in, because it'll be all too hard.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm very proud of all of my 12WBT team mates and their dedication, their success, and the hard work they do in the gym, in the parks, and at home. It's just that, well, that's not me. It never was me, and in trying to give my best to this program and to myself, I was comparing myself to people who are so very different to me, and wondering why it left me feeling so inadequate!
So this Round, I'll just focus on getting the food right, and wait for Madam Lash.
Maybe Round 2 will see me in the gym... who knows? Stranger things have happened... nothing springs immediately to mind - but I'm sure there's something!
Funny thing is, I was ear bashing BFF today with all of this, and her words to me completely echoed Mish's message for today about motivation. Particularly the part about the 'all or nothing' 'gung-ho' mentality. The funny part, was that today's Cafe Therapy took place 4 hours before we had access to the video!
Just who is channeling who here???