Wednesday, January 16, 2013

The poor me's and cranky pants...

I've got my cranky pants on, and it ain't pretty.

A young lady asked for help today.  She'd had a blowout.  She hadn't lost any weight.   She can't cook.  She didn't have the right food.  She was screaming for help and support, and my heart went out to her, it really did.  There were dozens of replies to her post, and everyone was so very supportive of her, and her situation.  I read each and every reply to her post,and then, well then I read her responses to them, and I began to get cranky.

She had cried out for help, and she got it, in spades, and all she did in return was make the very excuses that we were asked to deal with yesterday!  That we had been told to print off, or write down and keep near, so that we would recognise them when they came for us.  Except that she doesn't see them as excuses.  'I can't eat the right food, because I can't cook'.  You know what?  Learn.  That excuse is completely with your control and YouTube is a wonderful teaching tool.

Many years ago, when I separated from my ex-husband, I signed up for a grief management course run in my home town by the Samaritans.  That course taught me a lot, and it gave me back my self esteem, which had been gone for a long, long time. There are a few things that have stayed with me, from that course, over the last 16 years, and one of them was learning if I was a 'survivor' or a 'victim'.

(The word 'victim' was used during the course to describe the attitude with which some people reacted to events in their life.  There is probably another, more PC term used for it now, but that is what was used at the time).

The victim, on some level, whether conscious or not, liked to be down.  They liked to have people say things like 'oh poor Myrtle, she's had it so hard...' and the victim themselves would say things like 'Why does this always happen to me?', 'It's not fair', 'What did I do to deserve this?' whatever it took to engender sympathetic responses and attention from others.  It was called 'the poor me's...'  We probably all say it from time to time, the difference is when it becomes a part of who you are.

I chose not to go down that path, because quite frankly it's too exhausting!  I've become, I think, a reasonably strong woman (even with Voice as my constant companion), and try to be as supportive as I can when people need it.  I'll be a sounding board, I'll be a shoulder to cry on, and you can vent to me all you like, but I am completely intolerant of people who are perpetual victims,  who constantly cry 'poor me...'  I just have no time for them.  Harsh?  Probably.  But constantly listening to people who ask for help, then make every excuse under the sun not to take the help they asked for, tends to wear a little thin, and it becomes depressing.

Now don't get me wrong.  We all have bad days, hell - I've had bad months, we all have them, and we'll all feel sorry for ourselves and maybe have a pity party, but at some point, most of us get over it and get on with it.

But at what point is it okay to say wake up to yourself?
At what point do we say, stop making excuses?
Why are you here, if you don't want the help you ask for?
At what point, do we stop enabling, and begin to show a little tough love?


  1. I think my response would have been the same. And I probably would have called her BS. I don't deal very well with victims. Thank God we choose to rise above it and take responsibility for our decisions.

  2. Thanks Roxanne, this girl really pushed my buttons! What made me angry above all else though, was the fact that it was the day after the 'No More Excuses' task!